


Nothing

by Silverfox



Series: Both or Neither Scenes [8]
Category: Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 23:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17212610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverfox/pseuds/Silverfox
Summary: Another of our monthly LTSH challenges. Ths one was about Family. Several BON characters shouted for attention the moment I read it, but this is the first thing I wrote. Razzle letting his vulnerable spots show for once.





	Nothing

-Alright.- Jesse said with a sigh. -What's wrong?-

Razzle glanced at him, then went back to staring at the ceiling over his bed. It needed cleaning. There was a dusty footprint up there. Or maybe just shoe-print, but Razzle wouldn't put it past most of his dorm mates to find a way to place a foot on the ceiling. Jesse himself would be the first candidate, if he felt like investigating the matter. He did not.

-Nothing. Why would anything be wrong?-

-Because you've been staring up there for over an hour. You don't usually do that. So what's up?-

-Nothing. I just went home last night and had an argument with my mother. Nothing special.-

-Oh.- said Jesse.

Mothers were rather far from his area of expertise, despite Irzhe's best efforts.

-Why, what's the matter with her?- Gattler inquired.

That would require an explanation now. Gattler was no good at reading people's moods, but unlike Jesse he knew Razzle's mother. And he also couldn't be distracted by a casual insult. Insults just ran off Gattler like water off a mezze, especially Razzle's otherwise so effective insults.

But then they couldn't have been such close friends, if they didn't.

-Nothing. It was my fault.-

-Oh, did you comment on her looks?- Jesse asked. -If she looks anything like you ...-

-Worse than that, she closely resembles my sister. Maybe a little prettier than her, but still I've always thought our Afrar must have been blind. Though, maybe I ought to introduce you to her. If you'll take Rissa ... I refuse to call you Afaf, if you marry her, though.-

Jesse burst out laughing. Maybe his insults needed work. A year ago this comment would have had Jesse fuming rather than amused.

-Nonsense.- Gattler declared. -She's nothing like Rissa. She's a lovely little old lady, very sweet and grandmotherly. What did you do?-

-Nothing. I asked her that question again. We always fight when I do, but I keep thinking someday I might get an answer.-

-What question?- Gattler pushed.

-The question. The one who my Afrar was.-

Silence.

-I thought you said that didn't matter anymore?- Jesse asked.

-It doesn't really. But I've never quite believed that she really doesn't know. If there are several candidates, she could still say who they are. If she was raped by a stranger, she could tell what he looked like. Yet, all she's ever told anyone is that she doesn't know. I don't want her to take the secret to her grave. It's mine and Rissasz at least as much as hers. I'd like to know what my name and clan ought to have been.-

-Well, if you want to know.- Gattler suggested. -Let's go up to medbay and ask Moku. They found Jessesz Afrar quickly enough. All it takes is a blood sample.-

-Yes, but there weren't that many Outrider men my mother could have had contact with. We knew it had to be one of Laxussz soldiers. I suppose Razzlesz mother was here on the War World at the time?-

-At the academy no less.- Razzle confirmed.

Of course she'd had to quit when she got pregnant. There'd been a time when she'd blamed her children for her not having completed any education. Not that anyone had ever asked Razzle whether he wanted to be the illegitimate child of an under-age mother. He wished he knew whether she'd had a choice in the matter. If she hadn't, why didn't she just say so? People would have blamed her less and they hardly could have treated her children any worse than they did anyway.

No, he didn't think it had been rape.

-So it could have been anyone.- Jesse said. -There are enough students from the colonies at the academy.-

-Not to mention the army base itself with soldiers from everywhere, the space port full of travellers stopping only for a few days ... Anyone indeed.- Razzle confirmed. -Sure it could be done, but it'd be expensive. Even your test would have been, if it hadn't been ordered by Nemesis himself.-

-Not to me.- Gattler pointed out. -I'll pay. Just for curiosity's sake.-

Razzle regarded Gattler thoughtfully. The offer wasn't completely unexpected. There was a good reason why he never mentioned even a mild interest in anything expensive to his best friend. Gattler made him way too many gifts as it was. Sure, he really did have a lot more money than he could spend and he didn't expect anything in return. He knew how poor the old blood clans were and didn't seem to care, but it was still embarrassing.

-You shouldn't.-

-I won't feel it. Come on. All I'm asking is to know the result.-

-If I do that then everybody will know the result. You don't seriously expect it not to leak out, do you? All the medical personnel in there. All the people who've wondered for years who Commander Razzle really is. No, I can't do that.-

-And why not?- Jesse asked. -Everybody already knows you're a ... shadow child. The only one that would be shamed by the information getting out is your Afrar, and he obviously deserves it.-

-My mother didn't want people to know. To the extent that she lets everybody believe that she was such a slut as a child that she didn't know who she had sex with. Ever since I was old enough to understand I've been wondering what it is that she thinks worse than that. What if it really is? What if it's something so terrible we can't even imagine it? I can't decide whether it's alright to let it get out unless I'm sure what it is.-

-Pah- said Jesse. -What could it be? I bet she was just really in love with him and didn't want him to get in trouble for knocking up an under-age girl. It would probably have been bad for his career. Hey, maybe he was one of her teachers. That'd have been a nice scandal for him.-

-That'd definitely have cost him his job. But it might have cost a young officer a promotion, too, especially that he didn't recognise his children.- Gattler said.

-Maybe.- Razzle allowed.

He'd like to believe that they were right, but there was another idea that he couldn't get out of his mind, though he'd been trying to ignore it for years. Perhaps, just perhaps he wasn't in the wrong clan after all. Perhaps he didn't have the wrong name. He could even live with that thought. The one that he wished he'd never had at all was that maybe he wasn't even using the wrong middle name. That one he could never confess to and until he was sure it wasn't true, he could not trust anyone to know what was in his blood. Not even Moku alone. Not even Gattler.

But he couldn't tell them that.

-And what if I do find out my real clan? What if they want me now? Every additional Commander, even if it already has one, gives a clan a lot of additional political weight. Do I just abandon my clan and really take my real name? What about my wife? What about my sons? If they want me, they'll want Kieste, too. He's in a pretty good position to make Commander someday. Can I force such a sudden change on him, though? And what if my real clan isn't noble at all? That'd hurt their chances at promotion.-

-Aren't you forgetting something here?- Jesse asked. -I doubt Afrar Theck will want to let you go. Why not just tell them that you owe the clan that actually raised you and they can fuck right off after all these years?-

-You're thinking like a Fleshling again.- Razzle told him. -A child belongs to the Afrar. That's how it's always been among us.-

-Well, I'm not letting anyone turn me into property, and I can't really see them forcing you into it either.- Jesse declared. -But that's not really the point, is it? You're not sure you want to know! ... And I suppose that is your decision.-

The boy was getting much too perceptive.


End file.
